Busy Bee

I am going to stop saying that I am busy.  Period.  Bee's are busy.  But, bees are also productive.  Why? Bees are singularly focused.  Period.  They work on one thing and work every moment of the day for survival.  I am so fortunate to not have to "work" much for survival.  The job that pays me money is the least important "job" I have.  I AM going to try to be more singularly focused at work so that I can be more productive so that I can leave that "job" at work so that I can focus on being the best mother, partner, friend and the human being that is a positive force in the world.  "Stop Saying How Busy You Are!"

"We need to work smart, not (just) hard.
Just because you clocked 15 hours at your office, with likely dry eyeballs and a complete lack of focus, doesn't mean you've accomplished things in a smart way. Many people have written or spoken about this. Typically, you have 90-120 minutes before you devolve into Internet fodder or social media. If you're putting in 15 straight hours at your desk, without breaks, how good is your output? How much time are you wasting?"

And...it all makes more sense

While helping my Mom pack up and clean the house she has lived in for almost 30 years, she gave me this scrapbook.  She said "here, you can have this, it was made for both of us".  

"To Sherry & Kerensa

In hope

That our lives may merge

for a while

That our hearts may be one 

Forever

That our dreams and Fantasies

maybe become daily fare

That the Gods smile upon the time

we share

That the memories we build together

should always warm our hearts"

-Jack the Carpenter

Monte Rio, CA (in the Redwood Forest on the Russian River)

This is the part that all makes sense!  I remember our bus breaking down in Wyoming (mainly because I cried at having to leave my toys on the side of the road) and was always told that we were on our way back to the Russian River when we ended up in Colorado instead.  I vaguely remembered a man who had built a house in the woods with a shower that was glass enclosed in a grove of Redwoods.  Whether that is from stories or real memories, I am not certain.  We ended up in Ft. Collins, CO because my Mom had picked up a hitch hiker who had a sister who lived there.  His sister came to pick him up and let us stay with her.  Real hippies were amazingly warm, generous and welcoming human beings.  My Mom has had a school bus either in her possession or wishes as long as I have known her.  Buses are not the most reliable of vehicles but not many people can say that they learned to drive a stick shift on a VW bus.  A VW bus is not the easiest stick shift to maneuver and I have been stuck in a parking lot with the inability to get the bus into reverse on more than one occasion.

In Colorado, my Mom and I lived in Pouder Canyon in a tiny cabin in the Rocky Mountain National Forest.  She worked as a waitress at the Mishawaka Inn.  I remember sitting in the kitchen and sorting silverware.  It's where I learned that silverware goes in the following order O-W-L, Spoons, Forks, Knives.  I was 4 years old.  Our cabin had a wood burning stove in the living area, a loft big enough for the bed we slept in together and a front room where Santa Claus delivered a cardboard Holly Hobby kitchen in 1977.  I left CO to live in CA with my dad when I was 7.  My Mom never left Colorado and didn't keep up with Jack the Carpenter.  She can't remember his last name.  When I asked her why she never made it back to live with Jack, she said that she fell in love with Colorado.  She was searching for a place and a home and he was "nice"- which for the women in our family is the kiss of death.  

So, even though I don't really remember Jack the Carpenter, I am grateful to find this treasure.  It is hard to find treasures from my childhood with such a vagabond life.  I am hoping that one of my Mom's friends from the Russian River days remembers him and I can tell him the joy that his book brought to me...37 years after he created it.

OCD

Some have found my method of eating M & M's entertaining so I thought I should document it for posterity!

A few FAQ's-

1. - first separate by color
2. - put them 2 by 2 in a line
3. - eat any odd man out first
4. - proceed to eat them 2 by 2, largest line first...until you are left with only 2 of the least represented even numbered color

-yes, that is a "sharing size" bag and it sits in my desk drawer.  It usually lasts for about 2 weeks or 3 really bad afternoons

Sound Credits:
-"All The Pretty Girls"- Fun.
-Glenn- hard at work!

The end!

Is Santa Real?

I am overly emotional these days.  The Sandy Hook Elementary School children and teachers are ever present in my mind and I cry at the drop of a hat.  I haven't even watched a moment of news coverage on the tragedy, other than what was on in the airport or restaurant screens while we were in Arizona.  I didn't talk about it with my friends because our own beautiful children were running around with their keen ears reminding us, every moment, how devastating it could be to lose something so precious.  So, when I received this today, after a weekend of The Polar Express and the first Christmas that Trevor has really grasped and believed in Santa Claus, I cried at my desk.  Good thing I invested in some great waterproof mascara this holiday season.

Believe.  Believe that, at this moment in time, my life is good and that the world has more to offer than heartache.

Being a mom isn't my most interesting feature...

Click HERE for "Being a mom isn't my most interesting feature" article

"Me" before becoming "Mom" in France

Dear Ms. Meadow Stallings,

I should really just type the words "thank you" and have that be enough. The focus and clarity of your words are impressive.  For the sake of anyone else who finds comfort in community, I will share why your words were validating for me.

Four years of fertility treatments, obsessive, compulsive, hell bent on perfection, postpartum depression, debilitating fear of loss, anxiety and a total loss of ability to feel excitement is how I would summarize myself before and after becoming a mother.  There was also love and joy but I could not fully appreciate it.  Today, 3 years & 9 months after getting exactly what I said I would have died for, I am finally alive again.  I finally realized that trying to be the perfect mother to my son turned me into someone who wasn't interesting, had no real identity, wasn't happy and (the very worst part) did not like or (even worse) love, myself!

Since this realization I have spent most of my “me” time running.  It is something that I know I am good at.  Running brings me a tremendous amount of peace and satisfaction.  I run Half Marathons because I love that particular distance.  It is just far enough to always affirm that I can do anything…if I can just get through the last 20 minutes.  Running gives me the gift of a love for my body.  This is not something that comes to me easily.  Running clears the negative thoughts out of my head. I also have the most amazing community of women who champion everything “me” (not just the Mom part of me).  Some of these friends have children and some do not.  The thing I value the most is that there is no competition or judgment among our group of “moms”.  We all parent differently and value our differences.  This dynamic gives an amazing safety net of love and support when we feel that we are failing as mothers.  Let’s face it, we are always hardest on ourselves.  Every time I put myself down in front of my best friend (which is often); she says “don’t talk about my friend that way”.  That is a huge hug from love in the form of words.  I have a thirst for solving problems/puzzles (fulfilled by my job), understanding politics (fulfilled by my inquisitive partner in parenting) and the state of the human existence outside of my upper middle class urban bubble (inspired by my friends who carry the torch for Human Rights). 

I want my son to look at me when he is 25 and see me at that moment as a woman that he respects and admires, not just the Mom I was when he was my singular focus.  He will see a woman whose opinions matter and this will shape his understanding of the world. I want him to seek out those things that he will come to value in his partner.  He won't be searching for the perfect "mother" when he seeks a partner in life.  He should be searching for a person who is intelligent, self-confident, capable, loving and selfish. Yes, she should be selfish.  I hope she will be selfish, like his mother, and know that energy spent being the very best "you" that you can be is the best gift you can give your partner...and, ultimately, your child. 

Eddie Vedder

I have stated that I am late to the party when it comes to Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder. True statement! I have stopped checking my FB page at work and deleted the app on my phone because it is a waste of precious time that I don't have enough of. FB being a waste of time that I don't have wasn't enough of a reason to tune it out. It took the Supreme Court to steel my resolve. I know more about politics than most women in my demographic because I think it is important, but not because I think my particular issues and needs are more important than anyone else's dissenting views. The polar "debate" through singular posts make me crazy. Not as crazy as people who post "pray for me, but I can't tell you why" type messages...those take the cake!

...back to Vedder- go ahead and listen to Society (Into the Wild soundtrack) and Patriot and hover above it all and try to see this world and it's people- all of them- from a much less divisive perspective. I always want to just get in the car and drive...far...far away to Montana to be truly alone in nature. Or, as an ex-patriot in France so that I can appreciate what I already have when I hear those songs.

Happy Sunday! It's going to be a long road to November. Seek out truly important news and don't believe everything that scrolls at the bottom of the news feed!

ps. An entire post will be dedicated to the travesty of the Into the Wild soundtrack and Society receiving ZERO Academy Award nominations.

It is possible...

To crash a sharepoint site in the middle of a busy conference day!  I have come to learn that you can only have 5000 records in a single list.  SMU has the best OIT Help Desk people and we got back up and running by 8:15 this morning. 

Sounds easy enough....

                  I wish I believed this
                  I wish I hadn't spend all this time thinking it was selfish to want anything everything for myself

Transformation....in progress!  I finally have the strength to be my own editor and will rewrite this story, word for word, if I have to.

5 *Simple Things-Repost

Be Grateful
Act With Love
Check Your Motives
Watch Your Attitude
Forgive

It's not lost on me that the last two things listed seem to be the most difficult lately.  But, what a great reminder of how grace is not difficult unless we chose to ignore just how simple it really is.  Thank you Katie M'Lady!

Single Mom- no more

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/denise-albert/divorce-diaries-dont-call_b_1498191.html

Single Mom will never cross my lips again! Well said, sister! The only thing she missed (probably because she was trying to make a point) is that for all the days where I do absolutely EVERYTHING...I now have days where I can't do anything for my son and have no choice but to focus on myself (which I never did as a married mom). I make the most of it so that my son sees me as not just a mom that can do everything but also a woman that can do anything. Run races, hike the grand canyon, sew, knit, being a great friend, a valuable addition to my team at work and actually read things that make me a smarter and more interesting woman.

Formerly Married Mom FMM, Available Mom, whatever...just not a single mom!

I used to feel it was an insult to me to be called a single mom, and compared to never married moms. Yes, I can be a snob (not proud of that, just stating a fact). I actually still wore my wedding rings whenever we traveled because I whole heartedly believed that people treated me better.  I look young for my age and the way that people treat young, unwed mothers in this state is not something to be proud of Texas!  It is an insult to the real single moms who do EVERYTHING on their own. Compared to them, I get a girls, spa, me-time weekend, every-other weekend. No guilt, no paying someone to watch him. The sadness went away when I admitted that our son deserved and needed time with his Dad, even though that meant it would be time away from me.

Keep It In the Pantry

Why do I have so much food in my Pantry? It's just me...and picky McPicky eater! I come by it honestly (remember my Noni's Pantry)?  But, things need to change. I started by organizing my cupboards.

Operation: STOP buying food and "whip up dinner out of what you have" has begun.

Stay tuned for posts with the impromptu "recipes" if they taste good!

List Cont.

1. food that I won't eat within the next 7 days while I am at the store
2. shorts- I got them all out last night to take inventory of what fits and what I could donate and I have PLENTY of shorts....even though I am always keeping my eye out for the perfect pair of sexy jean shorts.  I'm 39, repeat that 39 turning 40!  Sexy jean shorts are for young girls.
3. earring
4. swim suits- I have effectively replaced the suits that were DEMOLISHED by my Grand Canyon trip
5. any booking, baking or kitchen equipment

Lists

March is for purging and April will be focused living in my budget for a few months.  Crossing my fingers that something big doesn't come along that will cost me a lot of unexpected dollars or time off from work.  I have to remind myself why I don't have time (or play money) saved up at work right now....an amazing 8 day rafting trip through the Grand Canyon.  The trip of a lifetime is going to have to keep on giving for a while!  So, I have decided that I need to keep a list of things I think that I "want" or "need" and actively chose to go without them.  Here's a start

1. 2 more chairs for my dinning room table (we don't even eat there)
2. shoes (I have plenty)
3. running shorts/workout clothes (more than plenty)
4. Trains or toys for Trevor (he has plenty)
5. purses (I broke my resolution but that doesn't mean I need to keep breaking it)
6. nail polish (I have at least 20- 3 of which are Chanel- and I hardly ever paint my nails)
7. more to come....

Decuttering March

I got started a little early with Project Simplify, the first week is the Kid's room and I got after it!!  It is particularly obvious that we have way too much stuff since Trevor's birthday is one month after Christmas.

Of course, I did do this while he was not at home.  He was actually super excited at his clean and newly organized room.  I made sure to display some things that he had forgotten about and he loved seeing those when he walked in.  He is accustomed to me cleaning and organizing, so that wasn't a shock.  He asked me "Mommy, why did you put all my trains on the shelf?", I responded "well, when your trains are all over the place and a mess it makes Mommy crazy".  He said "when you put my trains on the shelf it makes ME crazy"!  Such a funny moment for both of us.

I started with toys. Duplicates of toys (we had 3 sets of tools, 2 wooden trains etc). Then, I moved to the bookshelf and took out all the baby books (save his first few favorite books). The easiest were the bins of Happy Meal and birthday party favors. Worthless!

I have kept a box of infant, non choking hazard toys in the guest room closet since I still have friends with infants. One of the benefits of being totally on board with having one child is that you can purge without thinking you might need it later!

I took all of our declutter project items to the Genesis Women's Shelter Thrift Store in Dallas.

Meme's are everywhere...

but it doesn't make them less funny!

Re-Use!

If you go to any Starbucks that follows Starbucks procedure for a Venti hot tea you know that you get:
- double cup ('cause that sh*t is hot!)
- 2 tea bags (which are pretty strong)
This will cost you between $2-3.

Ask for the bags left outside the cup. Use 1 and put the cup aside on your desk when you are done. Trade out the old inner cup with the clean outer cup and make yourself another tea later in the day...or the next day for that matter.

Ps. Don't wash the first cup, it can only take so much. Just dry it out with a tissue.

One More Month

I contemplated turning my Facebook account back on today.  I can officially say that I don't miss it.  I accomplished what I set out to accomplish for myself which was to prove to myself that I was spending too much time on Facebook with no real value or return for my investment.  I will say that I miss catching up with my friends and seeing their lives progress through photo albums.  What I don't miss is the need to update everyone on what I am doing every moment.  Live in the moment instead....and, then blog about it later when Trevor is in bed (or I have a spare second at work). 

Why did I think about turning it back on a month early?  Because, I have put Facebook in it's place in my life (which is a very low priority).  I am going to stick to my March 1st date just to know that I didn't compromise or "quit" my quitting.  When I do activate my account again I will enjoy being connected to loosly connected friends from my youth, people far away and photo journals of life.  That will take up a few minutes of my day, once a day...and I am totally ok with that!

ps.  My upcoming post is a product of my resolutions this year and is EXCITING...just wait!!

Giving Up Facebook

February 2, 2009

When I wake up tomorrow morning, I will have a 3 year old....seriously, how?  How has three years gone by already?

Clean Sweep!

So, what prompted my "Year Without Handbags"?....Well, my monster of a closet is the best answer!! I finally got tired of all the clutter and took a chainsaw approach to clearing it out. I should have taken a "before" picture but it really wasn't planned. I went to put away laundry and just snapped! I just started tossing things and when I start tossing it gets ugly (or gorgeous) FAST! I managed to clear out half my closet. It's the best feeling in the world.

Genesis Thrift Store pile-

A Handbag Free Year

I have a handbag obsession.  Mostly Kate Spade, 2 Banana, 2 Hobo and 2 Coach.  I am taking a 12 month hiatus from handbag purchases and will just be using the ones that I already have! 

*I did get an iPhone at work and HAD to get a KS cover....but, technically that is not a handbag ;)