"Me" before becoming "Mom" in France
Dear Ms. Meadow Stallings,
I should really just type the words "thank you" and have that be enough. The focus and clarity of your words are impressive. For the sake of anyone else who finds comfort in community, I will share why your words were validating for me.
Four years of fertility treatments, obsessive, compulsive, hell bent on perfection, postpartum depression, debilitating fear of loss, anxiety and a total loss of ability to feel excitement is how I would summarize myself before and after becoming a mother. There was also love and joy but I could not fully appreciate it. Today, 3 years & 9 months after getting exactly what I said I would have died for, I am finally alive again. I finally realized that trying to be the perfect mother to my son turned me into someone who wasn't interesting, had no real identity, wasn't happy and (the very worst part) did not like or (even worse) love, myself!
Since this realization I have spent most of my “me” time running. It is something that I know I am good at. Running brings me a tremendous amount of peace and satisfaction. I run Half Marathons because I love that particular distance. It is just far enough to always affirm that I can do anything…if I can just get through the last 20 minutes. Running gives me the gift of a love for my body. This is not something that comes to me easily. Running clears the negative thoughts out of my head. I also have the most amazing community of women who champion everything “me” (not just the Mom part of me). Some of these friends have children and some do not. The thing I value the most is that there is no competition or judgment among our group of “moms”. We all parent differently and value our differences. This dynamic gives an amazing safety net of love and support when we feel that we are failing as mothers. Let’s face it, we are always hardest on ourselves. Every time I put myself down in front of my best friend (which is often); she says “don’t talk about my friend that way”. That is a huge hug from love in the form of words. I have a thirst for solving problems/puzzles (fulfilled by my job), understanding politics (fulfilled by my inquisitive partner in parenting) and the state of the human existence outside of my upper middle class urban bubble (inspired by my friends who carry the torch for Human Rights).
I want my son to look at me when he is 25 and see me at that moment as a woman that he respects and admires, not just the Mom I was when he was my singular focus. He will see a woman whose opinions matter and this will shape his understanding of the world. I want him to seek out those things that he will come to value in his partner. He won't be searching for the perfect "mother" when he seeks a partner in life. He should be searching for a person who is intelligent, self-confident, capable, loving and selfish. Yes, she should be selfish. I hope she will be selfish, like his mother, and know that energy spent being the very best "you" that you can be is the best gift you can give your partner...and, ultimately, your child.
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